I’ve been AWOL for quiet sometime. Firstly because (an over statement and hypocrisy of my blog title) I’ve been too depressed to do so. I’ve been discouraged to a degree that I have so much to say and unload and forget my mission of writing for my own mental health and yearning to connect with a bigger audience. I get depressed that I don’t seem to connect and received coaching on how to write a blog. So, I took some advice, but my story telling bent dominates my writing. So be it. I cannot be dishonest in the name of conformance.
What makes me depressed right now is the perfect storm of regular battle of depression and the effects of the physical. Not being able to drive legally to go anywhere without being carted around and recently I am recovering from Covid. This bout leaves me not able to walk without help and sometimes results in me falling and my youngest son has to pick me up off the floor.
I think I am recovering, but my walking issue may last months or a longer. Our business that my oldest son is struggling with managing and bringing in profit is on life support, and he is going through a nasty divorce. Thankful but deflated that we have moved my in-laws in with us and while we can take care of them, they are providing income enough by pooling our resources to live modestly. The deflation comes from my inability to provide for them and my household by my own labors not relying on other income. Another depression multiplier.
How does the self-healing depression doctor handle this? Not very well. Well, I give thanks every day for His provision, a roof and enough to pay the bills, enough to eat. My faithful and loving rock (also known as my amazing wife), my children (even with how infrequent they remember I exist), except my youngest who picks me up off the floor and brings me and my dog breakfast from McDonald’s. And how much so many others suffer far worse.
Being a guy watching SEC football with my alma mater UF Gators that graduation from 46 years ago. It is an escape to hear the fight song when a touch down is scored playing at Florida field (the Swamp) Even hearing the fans sing (Florida started in 1856 as a boy’s school) “We are the boys of ole Florida” song at the end of the 3rd quarter (is this gender friendly song by alumni regardless of gender? I try to get some sort of comfort of hobbling my way to sit on my back porch to get absorbed in His wooded creation, play fetch with my dog (while I sit) but to bring back depression because I don’t get an answer to My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts. I’d just like to know Something! I do know one thing. Last weekend was my wife and I’s 23rd anniversary and she is loyal, puts together all my pills, takes care of me, carts me, chides me and still loves me. That takes the edge off depression. I pray that you all have a someone like this if not seek carefully and with God in the center someone you can talk to trust and understands.
Sometimes the most depressing thing after you recover from Covid or have a “up” day mentally is, you get the feeling that you are just being dumped back into a world full of credit cards, or fix a broken business. Everyone immediately wants you to pick up right where you left off and be “normal”. That piles on more pressure and maybe “normal” isn’t where you want to be any more. You want to be something. But that old world, with its high points and excitement just doesn’t cut it anymore and God, as of yet, hasn’t given me something that lights me up.
What are we depressants to do? I sit out on the porch and play fetch with my dog, walk a little and ponder. I guess that’s as good as it gets right now but God provides and that will just have to do for now.
Tales from Depression and Dealing with it. 