What its like….

Originally written – 10/18/2018 – 3 months post stroke in a text to my Big Sis

To use a farm analogy it’s like wandering into a corn field and getting lost, because you went too far and lost your bearings and you struggle to find your way out back to home but the more you thrash around the more lost you get. You cry out but no one hears you and you just want to get home and do the chores, and everything be normal again.

I’m just a dead weight that must be cared for by others and I can see that not only is it not fair to them, but it isn’t going to last much longer.  No one can pull the wagon I left behind. It’s too much. At least I can tell you these dark things because you were always the big sister that would patiently listen and not judge. Thank you. I love you so much. – Lil Bro

What a great analogy – using the cornfield!!! You nailed it. I’m surprised you remembered that as you were so young when we moved. I love you and please try to keep the faith – Big Sis

Originally Written 11/7/2018 – 4 months post stroke

Just checking in to let you know I’m still kicking. I’m on antidepressants. I’m bored, but not quite as depressed. I’m getting back into going to church and my Monday night men’s bible study. I go with J to the Skate Park so he can do his BMX thing. This is a new one we helped build, so I have a couple of hours sitting time while he rides. I read my bible study stuff and Tom Clancy novel and run numbers on our property to either sell or develop. Alluding to my cornfield analogy I’m out of the corn but I can’t seem to find the farm. If that makes any sense. I’m not where I want to be. I should know in the next 6 months or so whether my vision will come back at all. In general, it’s a waiting game. You know how patient I am. LOL. Take care of yourself. I love you very much, Lil Bro

Who is this great person that I got a VERY encouraging text from!!! OMGosh – I’m SO HAPPY to hear things are getting better for you and your “impatient” self is showing!!! It’s so good to hear you are back at church and bible study. Glad you are taking some meds that help you and there’s encouraging news about your vision. Can you believe it’s been 26 yrs. since Mom has been gone? What a lot of changes and events we’ve been through in all those years! I’m so glad we have each other yet to “be there” in whatever we must deal with.

I don’t know if you remember when we lived on the farm and all the family came to our farm for thanksgiving, but we always wished for our FIRST snow to come then. What the heck happened? I don’t know if you had wacky weather this year but ours has been way off! But determined as farmers are, they finally got the corn and soybeans harvested in spite of all the flooding and I managed to get some good hay for Rascal out of it too. So great to hear from you. I love you very much. – Big Sis.

Originally written November 17, 2018

Just checking in. I’m at the skate park with J and one of his buddy’s. I don’t remember if I told you, but we have a new dog – a 3 yr. old mixed breed, we got from the shelter. He’s trained and we’re training him more. Bear brings a little lightness to our someone gloomy household. He is a good dog, likes to ride in the truck and J has a sleeping companion. I’m just moving along, I feel like I’m a spectator, not a participant in life. Taking the antidepressant meds takes a little of the edge off. But I’m still in the twilight zone between the way things used to be and the way things are. I’m not happy but I accept that this is the way it is and wait for God to give me something worthwhile to do. I’m surrounded by good people and a devoted wife. I pray for you daily and give thanks to the Lord for a sister like you. Love You. – Lil Bro


Originally Written 11/21/2018

Well another night at the skate park. But it gives me time to pray and give thanks for the blessings. You are one of those blessings that I do cherish. Hope your Thanksgiving is peaceful with those memories of the large gatherings and Grandma W. would get huffy if we didn’t eat a dump truck load of her pies and goodies. Love you, Lil Bro

Boy, you hit the nail on the head about Thanksgiving and Grandma. But it all was SO GOOD! LOL! And we always had thanksgiving at our farm. I will be having a quiet day. Love, Big Sis.